ever since watching once upon a time and when i reflect upon all that has happened to me in this past year’s season,
my musings of if my happily ever after will ever happen and what it would look like has been on playback in the abyss of my thoughts
but today i am reminded that my Knight in shining armor has already fought blood and flesh with His life for me as His bride and risen to conquer death itself
Good has already won
that as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her
that He might sanctify her,
having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word.
that i may be reconciled to the Prince of Peace.
i already have my happily ever after because He lives,
i have Hope Eternal
oh how the things of this world grow strangely dim now
oh how i appreciate You Jesus, oh how You love.
so often, so many times i am so weak to just fall flat into flesh
and seek/look for You in broken cisterns and empty idols
instead of coming to You the source of living water
and on this Good Friday, where You allowed me to kill You by my sins
how does my fickle and depraved being still think and act in a way that says
‘You’re not enough for me, for not being satisfied in You’
You died on the cross for me, You took upon Yourself the judgment, punishment, and death i deserved, that You stood in my place.
now how come my heart is still so ungrateful and still run like an adulteress?
i know that nothing good live sin me, that is, in my sinful nature. for i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out.
woes me, for having killed the author of life, and having been spared from that death i deserved, still be so fickle and run to other idols in folly. what a wretched being i am! who will rescue me from this body of death? thanks be to God- through Jesus Christ my Lord!
thank You that You bought the gift of repentance with Your blood.
that i may have a chance to turn from my depravity and turn to You Jesus.
i’m so sorry for always choosing self over You,
thank You though that this is exactly why You went to the cross, so that i can be free and not be enslaved to the ways of man which lead to death, but choose the way of freedom in Christ.
i bring my sins at Your feet once again, for being consumed by my own evil desires and enticed to folly, fear, control, and letting idols take Your throne.
thank You that You paid the painful price in full, ransomed me from death.
i am unworthy, so unworthy Lord.
why would You still ask me to come and repent so that i may find rest for my soul in You?
because of Your great, abounding love, thank You for the grace i don’t deserve.
please wash me clean of these iniquities again.
thank You that in Your death, You ex-sponged my sins and cast them as far as the east is from the west. You love covers a multitude of my sins, as You bled to death in my place on that cross. thank You Savior, come take your rightful place in my heart, put to death the evil desires of my flesh which so rage in my weak soul,
make me stand firm in Your righteousness again please.
thank You that You are gentle and humble in heart to me. the wretched sinner i am, while You are perfection.
as You were put to death by my sin, yet conquered it with Your Great Love,
as there is no resurrections without death first, i put to death my flesh, Spirit reign in me.
i can say it is still well with my soul because You gently welcome the weakest things in me
i take off the yoke of slavery, and take up Your yoke for me.
Wonderful love, You died for me.
though my world is in shambles
You walk with me through the valley of the shadow of death
You lead me beside quiet waters
You restore my soul
i fix my eyes on You, Jesus.
what does it matter if i gain the whole world and lose my soul
what does it matter if i can raise the dead, but You don’t know me
i wanna be a lover, make me a lover God
what does it matter if i give all to the poor, but i give You nothing
what does it matter if i’m busy with good things, but my love for You is fading
teach me to abide in You, teach me how to bear much fruit
tears of understanding and joy rolled down my face as i was driving home from dinner tonight as 8tracks started playing hillsong’s all i need is You
coming from a meal where God used the conversation to directly minister and speak the Gospel into this current season of my life
He encouraged me today so many times to show me that i am not alone
and that the Spirit does truly reside in me and is moving
truly all i really need is You, You hold the universe and everyone on earth in Your hand
just all the while more recently i had been pondering upon
the theology of suffering and how to suffer well,
to know that the Lord loves me so much to put me through hardship, trials, pain, and loss
so that i can get to know Him that much more, on such an intimate level where no one else could have walked through the situation with the Lord in
and in the hurtfulness of it all,
it is when He can mirror and reflect to me my ugliness and sin while concurrently revealing His righteousness
and how He wants to redeem me into His masterpiece
and in sanctification, i am so thankful that God has bestowed on me His blessed mercy and allowed me to be sensitive and willing to be self-perceiving as to look into that dark pool of depravity and folly that is my dead heart that He is bringing back to life with the Spirit testifying and convicting me out of His grace and care
that i can say looking back at the tunnel that it was because He loved me to the core of my being and soul
that He brought so much pain upon my life
and that He is fully capable and big enough to handle me going out at night and just screaming in anger at the moon
i think that God would rather have me do that
and be authentic and real than to stuff my emotions to run and hide
it’s easy to love when things are good
but He has called me to love the hard to love and unlovable
embracing that hardship as taking up my cross
that i can trust that He will take care of me and surrender to His plan
the Lord does not cause pain without something new to be reborn
and so in the end it is a privilege to be given more trials reflecting that He knows the capacity of which i can handle so that i may cleave and cling onto Him in trial and temptation
and so this is what it’s like to have a tiny sliver of joy in suffering and loss.
